Hi, hello! If you can believe it, I’ve officially been a mother for 5 weeks, and I already have thoughts. During the hours when I’m up at night or early morning, I’m often left with my thoughts—and I don’t always have the best means to record them. I’ve been able to work on this post whenever Dorian lets me. If you know, you know.
Today, I’d like to share some of those thoughts to accomplish a few tasks: reach out to those who’ve asked how I’m doing, empty my brain of frantic thoughts, and potentially help anyone else about to embark on their own parenthood journey.
Understandably, if you’re not interested or in a place to read about infertility, birth, delivery, postpartum, etc. Then I recommend skipping this post and maybe returning at a later time.
I Learned Which Types of Pain I Could & Couldn’t Handle
Dorian was born ten minutes before April Fool’s Day. During the days leading up to that, I was induced, getting hourly updates on my progress, and pushing him out. As I lay confined to my bed in odd positions to speed up the dilation process, I hoped I wouldn’t have to get a C-section. I spent years trying to figure out why I couldn’t get pregnant. I went through two IUIs. I went through a round of IVF, which included ~100 self-injections. I had a kidney stone removed after my book tour. I endured pregnancy. Could I avoid having to go through one big procedure like a C-section?
Luckily, I got my wish. But in recounting all the steps it took for me to get to March 31, 2026, I realized that I’ve endured so much, and I was a lot stronger than I thought. Sure, my healing process has been suspiciously smooth, but I had quite the adventure to get here. I owe so much to Travis and my support system for getting me through everything, but I owe myself so much credit for doing the damn thing.
Bonding with Dorian Took Time
When Dorian was born, and I watched him emerge from my body, my brain couldn’t comprehend it.
Maybe out of mental protection, my brain thought this whole thing was too good to be true. After years of accepting that I had endometriosis/insulin resistance, I accepted that it was possible that these procedures wouldn’t work for me. So I think I was the most surprised out of everyone when my first round of IVF was successful.
And then throughout my pregnancy, it didn’t feel real. It felt like I was just sick and gaining weight. It started to feel somewhat real once Dorian became more pronounced in his sonogram selfies.
So when a human baby is breathing and crying on my chest, I’m like, Wait, this is my baby? He’s part of our family? Are they just going to let us take him home?
During the first week of motherhood, I would tell him. “Hello, Dorian. It’s me, your mom.” Every so often, that earns me a wide-eyed smile. I see him as my son, and I obviously take care of him, but it was definitely a weird sensation to settle into the idea that Dorian is now my son. I’m not babysitting someone else’s kid.
I wonder how many people have experienced something similar. Is this just me?
Introducing Midna to Dorian Was Successful
Most of you know that my biggest concern was Midna’s reaction: would she harm Dorian or freak him out with her loud barking? Well, I’m happy to report that they’re already fast friends. Midna seems to know that Dorian is a new addition to our family and loves to look for “our baby.” The most annoying thing is that she constantly tries to lick his face, so we have to keep a close eye on them.
Dorian hardly reacts to the barking. I think he got used to the tenor in utero because he isn’t alarmed whenever she barks point-blank. I can’t wait for Dorian to be big enough to play with Midna.
Am I a Good Mom? And Does It Matter?
As I write this, my first Mother’s Day as a mom is days away. And I think most femmes have a complicated relationship with the holiday. I’ll be honest, I have never been “baby hungry” or sad that I wasn’t a mom earlier in my life. If anything, I’ve been afraid of motherhood and just the permanence of it. You can’t un-mother a person; you can’t undo what birth or adoption does to a parent’s body and mind. And I waited a long time to be sure I was remotely ready for this role.
Do those feelings have any bearing on whether I’m a good or bad mom? Throughout my pregnancy, people kept telling me, “Oh, you and Travis are going to be great parents.” And maybe it’s too early to say, but I don’t feel particularly stellar at parenting.
I’m currently coasting. My main goal is to be there for Dorian when he needs me. Even if I’ve fed him and he’s still hungry, I continue to feed him. If he needs to be held, I pick him up. But I’m still frustrated, sleep-deprived, not always 100% grateful or feeling #blessed. I keep reminding myself that I’m the one who can self-regulate; he just got here and doesn’t have that capacity yet. Still, changing his clothes or my clothes for the third time in a day can test me.
So right now, I think I’m an okay mom. And that seems perfectly fine right now. I think I’ll feel more confident with more time and practice. Part of what terrified me about motherhood was how much mothers are dissected by society. I was worried that people would immediately judge me. In reality, we’ve had nothing but love and support, so that’s been a relief. And maybe I’m too tired and busy to care. We’re having a good day if everyone in the house eats, sleeps, and wears clean clothes.
I’ll Still Post About Books
Since parenthood is still fresh, you’re seeing a lot of personal updates from us. And that feels right; it’s our first kid and one of the biggest changes we’ve faced as a family. But rest assured: our platform is still focused on writing, editing, and publishing books. There might be more content about how we balance our bookish work with parenting, but this won’t become a parenting account. We won’t post about products, tips, resources, etc. We just became parents, so I don’t think we even have the kind of helpful advice that people need.
We also won’t be sharing Dorian’s face. We strongly believe in consent, and we’ll wait to let Dorian actually consent to what his digital footprint will look like. Additionally, AI is doing some insane things with photos, so if we can avoid it, we won’t be feeding our baby to the AI machines. If you’d like to see photos of Dorian, ask us about the photo album that we’re sharing with his community.
Once the dust settles, you’ll see more content about our books, services, etc. We’ve got a lot to say about recent developments in the writing industry, and we want to help y’all stay up-to-date. I’ll also hopefully be back on the road, visiting bookstores, and attending book events. I’ve really missed all the travel I get to do as an author.
I’m trying to take things slow and be more intentional since I can’t just grab my baby and head to the DFW area willy-nilly. Everything requires more planning and communication. But I’m grateful I have Travis and family close by to help me retain parts of myself I don’t want to lose.
Am I the Same, Different, or Both?
As I mentioned earlier, you can’t un-mother a person. This is the watershed moment of watershed moments. So my biggest fear/concern was who I’d be on the other side of birth. Will I change, and will I like the change? And for those who are about to become parents, this might be your fear, too.
I can tell you what didn’t change. I still have my WFH job(s), which means I’m still working with authors as a coach and editor. That was a huge help, even though I wish I had taken a longer maternity leave. Having other adults to talk to and still feeling like an expert in my field has been a boon.
Additionally, I’ve been adjusting to parenthood for years now, so the discomfort of growing hasn’t changed. Since I went through infertility setbacks, this meant that I’ve had medications, appointments, and procedures to get to this point. My hormones have been all over the place, and I haven’t had a normal night’s sleep in a year. So even though the recovery was/is still tough, I’ve gotten used to slowing down by going through other tough things. So if you’ve had your own ups and downs mentally or physically, you might not feel such a startling, unrecognizable difference.
One major change is that I’ve released a lot of worry. Up until this point, I had no idea what to expect. Every pregnancy is truly different, so there’s not much to study up on. I had to wait for Dorian to arrive to know what would be hard or easy. Once he got here, we finally knew what he actually needed and started making a ton of online orders.
I released a lot—mentally and physically. Through literal blood, sweat, and tears, I’ve released fluids that I no longer need and anxieties surrounding birth. (Y’all, I missed having regular, non-swollen feet.) I’m still figuring out what this transformed body can or can’t do. I’m still meeting this new version of myself. So far, she doesn’t bite but has fewer f*cks to give.
Well, that’s a pretty transparent and thorough look at my postpartum thoughts. What were your experiences with postpartum, parenting, etc.? It feels like I’ve joined a secret club of parents, and so far, I feel really welcomed. I am hopefully doing my part in being that welcoming person to other newbies.
