Time for another Weekend Writing Warriors snippet. Every Sunday, I join a bunch of writers through a blog hop and post an 8-sentence snippet of my current project. You can click on the link to see what everyone else is up to.
You’re in luck; yet another two-fer. What have we been up to this week?
TRAVIS: I know last time I said I would pick something with more dialogue, but I liked how this bit characterized Rebbekah, and I’m hoping that it comes across to a wider audience. It’s interesting to think how much you can say with eight sentences.
No sooner had she laid down than sleeplessness set in. She was suddenly thinking about Jonathan’s article. Maybe it was because of the late hour, but her mind was building bridges, connecting the article with Bernard’s project and Sinclair’s interference. Sleeplessness turned to restlessness as paranoid questions flitted across her mind. What if Sinclair found out about this dig? She didn’t like the idea of him harassing Bernard, but she definitely didn’t want him coming here. If he did, though…what if he did? Grabbing her bag from under the cot and getting quietly to her feet, she crossed to the door in a couple of strides, slipping out into the damp night.
WHITNEY: This is most definitely moving around. I revisited this part of the novel because it’s one of my favorites; sailing on a ship! The captain is obsessed with proving that Ilsi is guilty of being Ilsi; meaning that she has the magical abilities that Althod is looking for. Of course he’s right, but Ilsi would rather let him look like a fool than let him succeed. This is how she reacts once she’s been captured by his crew.
“I would tear you to pieces if I could!” Ilsi screamed, pounding the door. “You just wait—I’ll have your necks! Damn you!”
“Stop clawing on my door like a wild animal!” the captain barked. Ilsi turned; her face was pale and her hair was in disarray. She remembered where she was now, however, and her eyes relaxed. She let out a sigh, slid down to the floor, and let her limbs sag.
“Oh, it’s only you, Reubens,” she said calmly with a shrewd smile, breathing heavily.
Check out other snippets here. And comment below if you’ve got a snippet to share as well!
9 comments on “Weekend Writing Warriors: Snippet 12”
Another two-fer- yay! It’s fun reading such contrasting snippets. What a talented couple. 🙂
Oooo, two snippets instead of one? Excellent! Both are fantastic, and I really enjoyed the contrast between them. The paranoia in Travis’ piece seemed real, and I could really feel Rebbekah was waking from her sleep. As for Whitney’s… Well, I absolutely loved it because it was so much fun! Great work! 🙂
Hi Wit and Travesty,
The first snippet is really fluid. The details are seamlessly woven in. Nicely done.
A couple of things jumped out at me in the second snippet.
“…and her eyes relaxed. She let out a sigh, allowed herself to slide down to the floor, and she let her limbs sag and relax.”
Using “relax” and “relaxed” so close together tripped up the reading flow. I’d probably change one of them to a different word.
And that sentence starting with “She let out a sigh…” feels really clunky to me. I stumbled over it. I think tightening it would help. The word “down” can be removed. The reader knows the floor is down. And the final “she” can be cut. The reader knows who is on the floor.
You could go for a change up: “She sighed. Allowing herself to relax, she sagged to the floor.” Just one of many ways it could be written.
I have to keep reminding myself this lesson: Less is more when it comes to writing. I also tend to over-describe physical action.
Now I’m putting on my moderator’s hat. We don’t currently have a rule against two snippets on the same sign up, after all mods and admins discussed it, we’ve decided that it’s in the best interest of wewriwa to add one.
Right now, we have participants who post multiple snippets. They do a sign up for each one, linking to a different blog for each. We recognize that your case is unique in that you both use the same blog (which is sweet and always makes me smile how you guys work together).
I looked at the url you sign up with. It’s witandtravesty.com . On weeks when you both want to post a snippet, you could sign up with direct links to each of your posts–rather than one link to your main page.
We work hard to try to keep it fair for everyone. And having one snippet per sign up appears to be the easiest way to approach this.
We are so glad you participate. And your passion for writing is inspiring.
Have a great week. 🙂
Thanks Teresa for the grammatical feedback, as well as the heads up on the rules. Next week we’ll post our snippets separately. 🙂 Also, I appreciate the comments about cutting out unnecessary words; it’s often very difficult for me to edit my own work, so it’s nice that another set of eyes can catch it for me. I have since revised my snippet. 🙂
Thanks for letting us know, Teresa. We’ll make sure it’s sorted for next week.
Travis, I totally agree, we can say a lot in just eight sentences, good job.
Whitney, I wonder how calm she can suddenly be after the first part of the snippet.
The moments before she was thrown in the captain’s quarters, she had no idea who the captain was and feared for her life. Once she sees Reubens—whom she has little regards for—she isn’t afraid of him and finally relaxes. While one of my favorite scenes, it’s still being tweaked so it’s just right. 🙂
Teresa noted so much better than I how certain word combinations could trip up a reader. I really liked the alliteration, but yeah, it was a bit challenging at times.
Still, two very good snippets. I agree, Travis, that this snippet gives a great eye into Rebbekah’s character. The process from thought to action flows nicely.
I was a bit more confused with your piece, Whitney. But that confusion at the sudden change in her mood actually made me curious, enticing me to read more.
Travis – Loved this excerpt. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve lain awake afflicted similarly! I definitely could relate to the character in this sequence, and got a sense for how concerned she is for the dig and her work.
Whitney – I definitely get the impression something is afoot here. Things are maybe not quite what they seem. lol